Are They On Your Team?

Two weeks into the Challenge, a deeper dive into the relationships leg of 5-5-5

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My brother used to try to squeeze me into a box and sit on me to make me fit. He was older, and for a stretch of my childhood I was less of a little brother and more of a toy, something to build with and put away when he was done. That is not exactly the tender origin story you would want for one of the most important relationships of your life, but it is mine, and it is where this one starts.

Being on someone’s team never meant agreeing with them. That took me a long time to understand, especially with my brother. It works the same way with your kids, your spouse, your friends, your co-workers. Nobody agrees all the time, and if you’re waiting for full agreement before you feel good about the people in your life, you’ll be waiting forever. The question was never agreement. It’s whether they’re on your team, and if they are, you accept them as they are instead of writing them off over one disagreement, one bad week, or one thing they said that they probably regretted the moment it left their mouth.

My Brother

He is my older brother, so when we were kids, he liked to use me as his play toy, boxing me up, quite literally being one version of it. As a teenager, that same brother gave me his best advice and hard-won wisdom from what he had already lived through, and it helped me get through high school, especially while our parents were going through their divorce. In our twenties, we went into business together, framing houses from sunrise to sunset. By our thirties, we were fighting nearly every day at work, and the relationship became unsustainable both in and out of the business. By our forties, we had quit working together, and we had pretty much quit being friends too.

My brother “hugging” me

Now, we are rebuilding that relationship. It’s taking time but we are making progress. I have learned that relationships require both people to want to be in it. You cannot convince the other person to want the same level of commitment that you want. I wanted Cindy Crawford to be in a relationship with me for all my teenage years, and she didn’t know I existed. Wanting something from your side of a relationship has never been enough on its own, whether that relationship is a schoolboy crush or a brother you grew up with. But when both people are finally willing to show up again, even a relationship that broke down completely can be rebuilt. That is what my brother and I are doing now, one small step at a time, and I would rather be rebuilding than never try at all.

My brother and I with our grandma, Nonnie, who loved to cook.

The Same Rule Everywhere Else

I am fortunate that I have always had a great relationship with my parents and with my kids. That part has never been complicated for me. My marriage runs on the same rule as the team. Jana and I don’t agree on everything, and I have learned to be grateful for that, because if we did, one of us wouldn’t be necessary. We have a rule that has saved us more than once: we do not go to bed angry. Some nights that just means we agree to keep talking about it in the morning instead of letting it sit overnight and grow into something bigger than it ever needed to be.

The same thing applies at work. We spend more waking hours with our co-workers than with our closest friends, unless you happen to work with your best friend, which I do, by design. If you don’t enjoy the people you work with, you are handing away a massive portion of your one life to people you wouldn’t choose to sit next to at dinner.

A Favor
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Invest a Little Every Day

A financially rich man with no friends is not a happy man. A man who surrounds himself every day with loving family and friends is happy, regardless of his financial situation. Life is about sharing joy with others, but sharing joy requires daily investment, the same way building wealth does. If you want to get financially rich, you set aside a little money every day, invest it, and let it compound. If you want to be relationally rich, you invest a little in your relationships every day, and you let that compound too.

Here is a test worth thinking about. If you had an emergency in the middle of the night, how many friends could you call who you know, without a doubt, would show up? If that number isn’t as high as you would like, start growing it now. It starts with something as small as a text or a phone call to reinvest in a relationship you have let go quiet.

Your Turn

Think about the people on your team right now, the ones you would call in the middle of the night without a second thought, and the ones you have quietly written off over something that probably wasn’t as big as it felt in the moment. Tell me in the comments: who do you need to talk to today? A friend? A family member? A co-worker? You don’t have to name them, just tell me which type. And if you want to share why, I’d love to hear it.

Start Bold

1. Do your five minutes today. Call or text one person, someone different than yesterday, and make it a real conversation instead of a “we should catch up soon” that goes nowhere.

2. Pick one relationship where you have been quick to arm up instead of extending the benefit of the doubt, and extend it today instead.

3. Ask yourself honestly whether being on your team has quietly started to mean agreeing with you. It shouldn’t.

Money can buy a lot of things. It can’t build your team. That, you have to do yourself, one small investment at a time.

Don’t drift. Live boldly.

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P.S. Saturday was Jana’s and my 17th wedding anniversary. Seventeen happy years, although happy doesn’t mean perfect. We challenge each other, we’ve grown together, and at the end of the day, we know we are on the same team, always. Happy anniversary, Jana. I love you!

The BOLD Life is for people who want to build wealth without losing themselves in the process - people who want their success to strengthen their health, relationships, purpose, and freedom rather than compete with them. If that’s the life you’re building, you’re in the right place. New here? Start with The Blueprint of a BOLD Life, then read whatever draws your attention. Every post stands on its own.